What is Post-Separation Abuse?
By: Tina Swithin
Domestic violence (DV) is more than just physical abuse. During the relationship, domestic violence can be physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse.
When the relationship ends the abuse does not stop, it just transitions to a new form of abuse referred to as post-separation abuse.
Post-separation abuse continues to escalate and often, far surpasses the DV that victims are subjected to while under the same roof as their abuser. After the relationship ends, the perpetrator sets their sights on the child(ren) to exert control and, to terrorize the healthy parent.
Post-separation abuse does not just affect the former partner.
Post-separation abuse does not just affect the victim, it has both immediate and long-lasting effects on children resulting in high adverse childhood experiences (ACEs). ACE’s is an acronym used to describe any traumatic event during childhood such as divorce, violence, emotional abuse, neglect, substance abuse or even an environment that undermines a child’s sense of bonding or stability.
The ACE Study (The Center for Disease Control and Kaiser Permanente) should be the courtroom bible for judges and other family court professionals who are tasked with the responsibility of acting in the best interest of children.
Every “high-conflict” custody battle has three basic narratives:
The abuser’s need for control
The abuser’s need to win
The abuser’s desire to hurt or punish the healthy parent
What does post-separation abuse look like in family courts?
* Post-Separation Abuse information courtesy of High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification program.
Are you experiencing the effects?
Counter-Parenting
When the unhealthy parent has so much hatred for the other parent that their judgment center is compromised, and their actions are driven by revenge and anger. This person is unable to act in the best interest of their child and is unable to move forward in a healthy direction…
Neglectful or Abusive Parenting
Exposing children to unsafe situations or people, the unhealthy parent’s motivation is to cause concern and fear for the other parent. Their parenting style is neglectful and includes varying degrees of abuse. The unhealthy parent is known to use violence, intimidation, threats, manipulation, and ridicule to gain compliance from the children…
Alienation Allegations
When the unhealthy parent’s own behavior, neglect or abuse cause the children to reject them, they often lodge allegations of “parental alienation.” Claims of parental alienation (also referred to as alienation, parental alienation syndrome, resist-refuse dynamic, gatekeeping and enmeshment) are commonly invoked as an effective legal strategy to counter abuse claims. Despite the disturbing origin of the alienation movement (ties to pedophilia)…
Discarding
The unhealthy parent will wage a child custody war for 50% parenting time however, their conveyed interest in the children is not honourable. Their motivation is to hurt the healthy parent who was typically the primary parent during the relationship. Once they have a perceived win, which is what this is all about for them, they typically discard the children in a variety of ways…
Isolation
The unhealthy parent sets out to destroy the targeted parent’s social capital such as family, friends, business associates, teachers and other community relationships by spreading lies and rumours with the goal of compromising the existing (or potential) support system. They try to portray the targeted parent to be mentally unbalanced, unstable or addicted to illegal substances…
Legal Abuse
The abuser wears a mask in the courtroom, fooling the top family court professionals such as custody evaluators, therapists, GAL’s and judges. Behind the courtroom mask is malicious intent. A divorce or child custody battle is sport to the high-conflict individual and the courtroom becomes the domain in which he/she inflicts punishment and terror. Typically, very conflict avoidant, the targeted parent is at a huge disadvantage and becomes triggered (PTSD) by this new platform of abuse…
Harassment & Stalking
Typically, very covert in nature, this type of stalking and harassment usually flies under the radar of most law enforcement officers and family court professionals. The unhealthy parent bombards the healthy parent with an overwhelming number of emails, phone calls and messages, most of which are manipulative, threatening and abusive. While some rise to the level of blatant threats, most are veiled and go right up to the legal line in a taunting manner…
Financial Abuse
Financial games, ploys and deception is rampant with the sole intention of hurting and controlling the healthy parent. The abuser will purposefully withhold or mismanage support payments (child support/spousal support) as well as court-ordered reimbursements for medical bills, tuition, childcare and extracurricular activities, even if withholding the support has a direct impact on the children..
Read more on post-separation abuse here
If you are walking this path
connect today.
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“A.S. Custody & Divorce Consulting will be an amazing resource and advocate for those who find themselves in a high-conflict divorce or child-custody battle.
It was an honour to have her in the program and I look forward to cheering her on in her advocacy work.”
-Tina Swithin
CEO/Founder of the High Conflict Divorce Coach Certification Program